and how it’s made me who i am.
My entire life I have struggled with mental health. Even though society has made great improvements in the de-stigmatization of many mental health disorders, I believe it still is not talked about enough.
So I will start here. With my story.
It took a lot of courage and strength to get here. Please bear with me.
I got diagnosed with borderline personality disorder when I was about 17 years old. This is rare because they like to wait to diagnose personality disorders until your brain is fully developed. I got two other diagnoses of depression and anxiety, which made sense to me. However, my bpd diagnosis never made sense to me. Until recently.
If you don’t know about bpd, you should look it up and get a quick overview. I’m gonna be sharing my own personal experience with it, as it differs for everyone else.
Growing up I always felt different than most people. I felt as though my feelings could be hurt more easily, my patience would run out quicker and my anger and sadness controlled my body. On the flip side, I felt joy, love and excitement at different levels. The things I enjoyed didn’t just make me happy, they fueled my soul. I didn’t just “like” a game, or “enjoyed” a show. I submerged myself in them. I had the ability to get high on life. Of course it’s a double edged sword.
I was also extremely scared of my closest friends finding “better” friends than me. Or not being good enough to be their friend. So I changed many things about myself to become more like them. I lost my sense of identity. I struggled with fitting in and the fear of rejection and abandonment from my peers.
In 2023, as I entered my 20s these feelings started to get out of control. Of course I didn’t know it at the time, but bpd symptoms peak in your 20s. Lucky for me, I had a supporting family and a couple of friends who also struggled with mental health.
I crashed out to the point I was forced to seek help for my mental health. And for that I am so grateful. I have overcome feelings I thought I never would. You see, people with bpd experience everything of a different level that is hard to comprehend. The emotional pain over “minor” things can be equivalent to a loved one dying. And I wish I was exaggerating.
I started going to therapy. I started practicing mindfulness and meditation, DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) which as my psychiatrist described it is the “buddhism of therapy”. I had found hope because this type of therapy was specifically catered to people with bpd. I started taking medication as well. There is no shame in treating your mental health like you would any other illness or disorder.
Now that the negative aspects of my disorder are taken care of, I am able to have healthier and happier relationships with myself and others. My bond with my family is stronger than ever, and continues to grow as they show me unwavering support. I am the happiest I have ever been in a really long time, and my diagnosis is now my strength.
I feel. Everything. In healthy ways (now). Of course from time to time I am upset, angry and sad but even though I experience these emotions at another level, I am learning to control them. It’s something I am always striving to improve on. And it is so rewarding.
When I share with people that I have bpd, they kinda look at me with sorry eyes. Or like I am crazy. But I wish they wouldn’t. It makes me more human because of it. I feel more because of it. It makes me compassionate, joyous and full of life and love. It has made me an incredibly strong and resilient person.
So if you also struggle with mental health I encourage you too look at it as a strength and not a weakness. You can overcome the negative aspects of life and embrace the things that make you more you.
There is more to my story. But this is all I have for now.
Take care of yourself.
xx
